What would happen if they ever knew?
by redemptor
Summary: My speed quickened as I felt the tightening of my chest, the muscles in my cheeks squeezing as my jaw clenched   tightly. My face felt as though it were on fire. I needed to hold my composure just a little longer..
1. Chapter 1

Snape's POV:

My speed quickened as I felt the tightening of my chest, the muscles in my cheeks squeezing as my jaw clenched tightly. My face felt as though it were on fire. I needed to hold my composure just a little longer, "almost there" I repeated in my mind. No one can see me like this, least of all Potter. My chamber door was in sight, only there, only alone could I allow myself to show emotion.

"Professor Snape!" a familiar voice called after me.

I halted to an immediate stop. My eyes closed as the voice sent knots through my stomach. I willed myself to ignore it, carry on walking, "move!" my mind screamed to itself. But my body was unable to do so.

Harry Potter was my weakness. I despised the boy. His arrogance, his uncanny resemblance to James, yet I was completely enslaved. My entire being urged to move. I needed to be alone, now. I couldn't face Potter in this state. I paused for only seconds but it felt hours. The thoughts rushing through my head, Lily pumping through my veins.

I mustered all my energy to reply "Not now Potter" in a sinister tone.

Suddenly the murmurs of passing students returned to my ears and my focus returned to reality. Without looking back I hurried to my solitude.

Reaching for the door I felt my legs give way. I stumbled through the archway into the dimly lit room. Slamming the door in a rushed frenzy for silence. This wasn't the first time this had happened. I'd controlled it for so long, but Harry being at Hogwarts made it impossible for me to think of anything else. My longing for Lily was to much. I collapsed against the door, loosening the robes from my neck. My palms were clammy, my frail frame shaking. What would happen if they ever knew?

I felt so pityful. I hated how weak I was, the infuriation I felt at myself. If only I had done something differently, if only I had done more. I resented the cold bitter man I had become.

I couldn't stand the way Harry looked at me with such hate filled eyes. Those eyes which held so much of Lily, tainted with such an ugly expression. I clenched at my heart as it flooded with a dull ache. I removed the photo of Lily I kept inside my robe pocket, not that I needed a photo to picture her perfectly sculpted features.

I swallowed hard and tried to steady my breathing. I thought the pain would have eased after so long, but the emptiness inside of me only grows stronger.

The memory of her gentle eyes, filled with compassion brought tears to my own. I felt my lip quiver. No. I wasn't going to surrender to this infatuating desire again. My nose stung as I clenched my teeth and swallowed hard, choking on the ball gathered in my throat.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back against the cold wooden door behind me. The cold sensation sent a chill down my body. The hairs on my neck raised. A gentle breeze brushed past my cheek, I allowed myself to imagine Lily's hand tenderly touching me. I nuzzled my lips into her palm and laid a gentle kiss on her delicate skin. I smirked a soft smile as I felt at ease.. Opening my eyes I faced the truth of my own hand upon my face, not Lily's.

Harry's POV:

Late for lesson again, great. A more forgivable crime if it wasn't potions class. Like I needed to give Snape another reason to resent me. Always glaring with his narrow eyes.

I hurried in to my seat and took out my book hoping to go un noticed.

"Mr Potter how nice of you to join us" came that spiteful voice.

"Sorry professor" I apologized to keep peace. Not meaning it in the slightest.

Snape continued his lecture, making as many digs towards me as he could possibly manage. Twisted fool. I heard a clatter of my class mates picking up their quills and dabbing them in ink. Caught up in my thoughts I didn't join them, instead I held my gaze on Snape as he took a seat at his desk.

He took a small rectangular piece of paper from his pocket and stared at it for some time. Puzzled I tried to figure out what it was. No doubt some dark conspiracy.

He glanced up and our eyes locked, immediately I looked away and picked up my quill. Last thing I needed was more punishment from Snape. Now wasn't the time for confrontations. I decided after class I would speak to him, see if I could pick up anything interesting from his actions.

Still curious I kept watching him from the corner of my eye. Was he reading something? His expression remain fixated and firm.

Lesson ended, he tucked the object away in his pocket and walked out of the class in a hurry. Determined to solve the matter I decided to follow him. Quickly gathered my books and made haste in his direction. Where ever he was going it was rushed. No doubly important.

He almost walked straight into a small first year girl without even stopping. It was so loud and busy in the corridors between class changes. Snape was heading towards a door I knew I couldn't follow him into.

If he disappeared into that room the chance would be lost and I may never have known what he was up to.

In a last minute attempt I shouted to him only a few steps behind "Professor Snape".

He acknowledged me and stopped but did not turn to me. I stood waiting for a responce, being knocked by passing students as they seemed to make a path around him.

Eventually he answered with a abrupt "Not now Potter" and rudely ignored me as he carried on to his destination.

Id no other choice but to find Hermione and Ron in the Gryffindor common room to tell them of his shifty behavior.

Snape was certainly not to be trusted.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I dont own any of the characters _

_Authors note: Thanks for the reviews its brilliant to hear feed back (keep them coming). Im just having fun with this story, making it up as I go. Let me know if theres anything you think I should develope on. Enjoy. I hope its not too confusing? _

**Snapes POV**

"Oh Sev" she sniggered "we'll always be together".

My insides twisted. Yearning to hear those words once more. Wishing they were true. How young and naive we were. If only you knew Lily. How much I adored you. How jealous I was.

In a half awakened haze I flickered my eyes, allowing them to absorb the shadows of the night briefly. I wasn't sure of the exact time but positive it was an ungodly hour. To early to be awake. I wrapped the covers delicately around Lily, pulling her closer to me. Entwining my body around hers as she laid curled up in my arms. Resting my head against the back of hers, I breathed in her intoxicating scent. I let out a gentle sigh 'Lily' to tenderly to wake her.

Blissful seconds passed before a loud knocking at the door disturbed my delusion. My eyes shot open once more, I found myself wide awake. I faced the realism that the only thing laying next to me was a very abused pillow.

Agony engulfed my body. I ached to much to move. To dream of her night after night, but never have a waking moment with her, it was crucifying.

Another loud thud rattled the door. My deathly gaze hounded the entrance of my room. My blood boiling at the very nerve of whom ever lurked on the other side.

"Who is it?" I groaned in the foulest of moods.

"P-p-professor Dumbledore summons you urgently" spoke a timid muffled voice from beyond the wooden planks.

I inhaled the bitter air deep into my lungs. Pausing for a moment, wanting for only silence.

"P-professor?" came the infuriating voice once more.

"I heard" was the only low, stern response I could offer without wishing grave misfortune upon the unknown student who had been unfortunate enough to be serving detention as messenger. At this I heard hurried footsteps in the opposite direction.

Eventually managing to robe myself I began the journey across the castle to Dumbledores office. What could be needed of me at this hour? Nothing concerning Hogwarts surely? Unless it was a student, in which case their punishment would be extra severe for my troubles. Unsettled by the knowledge it was more likely involving vo- you-know-who. Tonight really wasn't the night to be dealing with such things. But it seemed that no night of late was really a good night. Restless sleeps seemed to have become normality.

Hissing whispers suddenly came into ear shot as I turned a corner. My piercing eyes resting on what could only be Harry Potter and his red haired sideshow. Their faces turned pale as they struggled to look up at me, clearly opting for the floor as a better option.

"And what celebrity status gives you the right to be wandering the castle at night Mr Potter?" I snarled, partly satisfied with my discovery.

Had I been in a better mood I'd have dragged the entire situation out. However the knotting in my stomach didn't put me in the mood for gloating. In fact I wanted to get away from the boy as soon as possible. Every second in his presence was a overwhelming reminder of his unpleasant father.

A long cold pause halted the air as Mr Weasley looked squirmishly at Harry. Mr Potter however held a stern angered expression. He appeared to be biting his lip, no doubt to keep his grubby little thoughts to himself. Then I noticed his eyes burning at my chest. In fact directly at my inner robe pocket. Where my most precious earthly possession was tucked away closely against my heart. My lungs failed me. Could he know?

Unable to breath steadily, my body felt limp. A sudden jolt in my chest alerted me my heart was thudding heavily.

"I-I don't know" whimpered the Weasley boy. Clearly unable to fathomed together any plausible excuse.

"Obviously not" I spat in a vacant expression. At that moment Professor Mcgonagall strode up behind the boys. Her stern face could have ended wars.

"I'll take it from here Professor Snape" she barked staring at both students as though they were poison.

Neither of them showed any expression of relief, knowing only to well her punishment would be in no way more lenient than my own.

Harry hadn't taken his eyes off of me. But now he was studying my face. As I caught his gaze in mine my body froze over. He looked troubled. I couldn't help but tilt my head to the side with concern, slightly taken back. Again, a sharp pain tugged at my insides. My eyebrows burrowed as my face reacted to the discomfort inside.

Aware of my visible discomposure I straightened my back. Peered down at Harry once more in an attempt to recover my authority.

"Very well" I uttered in a tone of disgust, mainly at myself.

I felt myself breaking, right in front of them. Over a boy? This couldn't continue. Humiliated and loathing with self hatred I swiftly picked up my pace as I hurried on down the passageway out of sight. I didn't need to look back to know he was still watching me until I was completely swallowed in blackness.

As soon as I turned the next corner I fell into the stone wall. Bent over in retching pain.

"Lumos" I panted, pointing my wand at the photo of Lily I'd just pulled from my robes.

My heart breaking at the knowledge it was getting to dangerous to carry the photo with me.

**Harrys POV**

"It has to be in there!" I screeched "are you sure you're looking properly?"

I was aware I sounded like a nagging hag, but Ron was known to be hasty and over look things.

"Well you bloody look then" he said pulling out the way and conducting his hand in a swooping action allowing me access to the cupboard.

"Here hold this" I handed him the lantern, he hovered it next to my head illuminating my line of vision.

I scanned the books and potions lined up in scattered piles as quickly as I could. After all being caught in Snapes class room would land them in heaps of trouble, never mind the explaining they would have to do. Thumbelling around moving small glass vases filled with oddly coloured liquids a sudden "ssshhhhh" from Ron startled me, as I flinched my hand knocked a small red bottle over. The panic was clearly setting in.

Why hadn't we found it yet?

"Your making to much noise" he whispered.

It was true. The banging and cluttering was rather loud.

"I cant find it, it has to be in here" I repeated. "I saw him lock it. Why go through the trouble of locking something unless you've something to hide?" I hissed in disbelief.

Earlier that evening on my way back from Quidditch training I'd walked passed Snapes class room. He was hunched over this cupboard rooteling around. When he noticed me peering through the ajared door he swiftly refrained his interest and causally sealed it shut.

"Maybe its just.. Off limits?" Said Ron "doesn't want students poking around in his potions."

As much as I hated to admit it, maybe Ron was right. We'd both had a good look now and nothing out of the ordinary stood out. I wasnt entirely certain what we was even looking for. I saw Snape engrossed in a small object a few lessons ago. I was certain it was paper, a letter or book maybe. I hadnt been able to get a good look. But I knew it was important.

"Its small, like a post card" I sighed.

Knowing to well no one would want to send Snape a post card. I giggled to myself briefly at the thought of anyone sending Snape a greeting 'wishing you were here' unless it was from somewhere very unpleasant.

"I know his up to something" I strained, trying to emphasis the importance to Ron.

"Come on" said Ron as equally let down by our lack of discovery "Last thing we need is to be caught in Snapes office".

I gave a forced smile and agreed to head back to the dormitory.

Drained of motivation the question struck me again, what's he up to? It seemed every time I so much as looked at Snape he was plotting some evil scheme. His actions were not that of a person with nothing to hide.

"Ron?" I questioned as we walked through the dark corridors. "What do you think makes a wizard turn bad?" my thoughts fixed on Snape.

"Bad blood" he replied bluntly as though his parents had said it many times.

"Do you think Snapes parents had bad bloo-" my sentence was cut short.

Standing directly in front of us was Professor Snape himself. His long black hair hanging over his face, looking more greasy then normal. I couldn't believe we'd walked straight into him, how could we be so stupid? I racked my brains, hoping he hadn't noticed us.

Then it hit me, what I just said. Could he have heard? Has he been following us this whole time? My mind racing ahead of its self.

"And what celebrity status gives you the right to be wandering the castle at night _Mr Potter_?" His voice droned only showing emotion as hissed my name.

My mouth was dry, I couldn't shake the feeling it was all a trap. He knew I'd seen him, he knew I would break into his classroom tonight. I'd played right into his cunning hands. Now he knew we was on to him, _we?_ I thought. That's right. I dragged Ron into this. A tinge of guilt struck me as I remembered Ron hadn't wanted to come. Now he would share equally in my punishment.

It makes perfect sense. No wonder we couldn't find anything other than sleep potions and old spell books to cure nightmares. He had it the whole time.

Agitated I'd been tricked so easily I clenched my fists, digging my nails deeply into the palms of my hands to relieve some of the anger. I wanted to scream. My whole body was tense. Rage rushing through my veins. Had it not have been so dark my fuming red face would have been visible to all. I was amazed I wasn't glowing bright red like some kind of flashing police siren.

Ron had been throwing scarce looks at me, between moping to the floor. Waiting for me to answer, to afraid to open my mouth in fear a jumbled scream at Snape would only land us in more unrequired trouble. As if it wouldn't be bad enough already. I remained silent.

Snape was growing impatient, all kinds of odd smirky expression spreading over his ugly face. Ron offered a pitiful excuse, which Snape relished in.

Trotting footsteps echoed behind us. Professor Mcgonagall, I knew it was her immediately before she even came into view. Her and Snape exchanged words but I blanked them. My mind pre-occupied, trying to find reason for doubt in my newly discovered theory. But Snape's smug expression filled in the blanks. He tilted his head almost as if to say 'diddums' in a really patronizing way.

How could he get away with this? 'But theres nothing I can do' I reminded myself. His a Hogwartz teacher, who would believe me? I had no proof. I needed to get hold of what his protecting. He swooned off into the night, his long black cape sweeping at his feet as he pranced past us. No doubt to dispose of the evidence. Leaving me with yet more unanswered questions.

I took a first glace at Mcgonagall's face, I gulped, loudly.


End file.
